Toxic shame is not just the feeling that we’ve done something wrong—it’s the belief that we are something wrong. It often takes root early in life, especially in environments where a child’s emotions, needs, or mistakes were met not with guidance or reassurance, but with humiliation, criticism, or neglect. Over time, instead of thinking “I made a mistake,” the person begins to feel, “I am a mistake.”
Unlike healthy shame, which can act like a moral compass—helping us recognize when we’ve hurt someone or stepped outside our values—toxic shame lingers and spreads. It becomes a lens through which a person sees themselves, often without realizing it. It whispers things like “You’re not good enough,” “You don’t belong,” or “If people really knew you, they’d leave.”
People living with toxic shame often try to protect themselves from being seen too closely. They might avoid relationships, strive for perfection, numb themselves with substances or overachievement, or keep their emotional world tightly locked down. At the core, they fear being exposed, not because they’ve done something wrong, but because they believe that they themselves are wrong.
Healing from toxic shame begins with connection—with being seen and accepted by another person in a way that contradicts the old story. In therapy, this often involves gently untangling the shame from the person’s identity, helping them recognize that these painful beliefs are not who they are, but rather, what they learned to believe in order to survive. Through compassion, regulation, and attuned presence, the story of toxic shame can slowly be rewritten—replacing the message of defectiveness with one of dignity, worthiness, and belonging.
